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Steelers Win After Being Touched By A Burfict Angel

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Stay down and act confused… I think that’s working.

Steelers fans need to lay off of Vontaze Burfict. I have checked with various news outlets in the Cincinnati area, and they confirm that Burfict did absolutely nothing wrong. More importantly, Bengals fans have used logic, reason, and decorum when informing me that not only did Burfict do nothing wrong, if he did somehow maybe possibly do something wrong, the Steelers deserved it.

We could start with last season, when Burfict was accused of twisting Cam Newton’s and Greg Olsen’s ankles. But, obviously, those incidents do not count, because they occurred over a year ago. There is an expiration date on recidivism.

Instead, let us start with the first Bengals-Steelers matchup. In that game, when Le’Veon Bell was injured, Burfict was not applauding the injury and/or taunting an injured player. Burfict was merely dancing to a song on the P.A. system.

In the second Steelers-Bengals game, Burfict was penalized and fined for launching himself at Ben Roethlisberger’s knees. According to BengalGirl5150, Burfict was pushed. And, if you can not trust BengalGirl5150, who can you trust?

In Cincinnati’s regular season finale against Baltimore, Burfict launched himself helmet-to-helmet into Maxx Williams, who was on the other side of the field completely away from the play. In regards to the defenselessness of Williams, I shall paraphrase William Munny: “He should have defended himself.”

Finally we arrive at the coup de grâce: the Steelers-Bengals playoff game.

On the first series, Burfict tackled Fitzgerald Toussaint by grabbing Toussaint’s helmet and dragging Toussaint to the ground. That was a great tackle by Burfict, and in no way should it have ignited any angst in the Steelers.  On another running play, after Toussaint was already on the ground, instead of merely touching the running back down, Burfict drove his knee into Toussaint’s abdomen. The referee pulled Burfict aside, but what the ref did not realize is that Burfict is actually a personal trainer hired to help Toussaint with a new ab workout.

Likewise, on play after play after play, when Burfict would continually jump onto the pile hitting players in the back, when the referees pulled him aside they did not realize that Burfict is a licensed chiropractor.

Similarly, after a quasi-controversial play, Burfict ran out onto the field from the sidelines. Normally, that is not allowed, but since later in the game Joey Porter walked onto the field, then there should be no reason to penalize Burfict. Because, just like Porter, Burfict is a coach.

Moments after that incident, Burfict showed restraint when he drove Big Ben into the ground and rammed his knee into Ben’s shoulder, because Burfict would have been justified in ripping Ben’s arm completely off, because… uh… because Burfict was angry.

With Roethlisberger sidelined, Landry Jones threw a pick right to Vontaze Burfict. Burfict got up and ran sixty yards down the field and into the locker rooms, escorted by several teammates. You might think that Burfict should have been penalized for excessive celebration and/or for multiple players being involved in the celebration. But, what you do not realize is that Burfict was leading those players down the hallway in order to re-inflate the football. After last season’s Deflate-gate incident, Burfict was not taking any chances.

On Pittsburgh’s final drive, Burfict was flagged for helmet-to-helmet contact with a defenseless receiver. What many of you do not realize is that Antonio Brown completely faked the entire incident… just ask Pacman Jones. Brown faked the hit so well that the NFL placed him in mandatory concussion protocol. That is some truly impressive flopping by Brown.

While the play was dead, several Steelers coaches came into the field to check on Brown. As one of the older coaches was holding Brown’s arm and walking him towards the sidelines, it may have appeared that Burfict shoved the coach, but really what Burfict did was crush a spider on the coach’s shoulder. Burfict’s altruistic deed was met with derision from Joey Porter. Burfict, not wanting to fight the mean & scary Porter, cowered away. Luckily for Burfict, Pacman Jones threw a punch at Porter, because Porter needed to be put in his place. Alas, as Pacman threw the punch, his elbow accidentally hit a referee in the ear. As far as his hitting the ref goes… once again, see: William Munny.

In conclusion, as you can clearly see, Vontaze Burfict has been a target of conspiracy orchestrated by the Illuminati. Or, was it masterminded by the International Bankers??? Either way, the point is the same: an innocent man has been subjected to unwarranted ridicule by Steelers fans. These unrelenting fans are the same type of ambulance chasers who have been lambasting Ethan Couch, harassed Gary Condit, and do not acknowledge the genius of Martin Shkreli. Now, if you will excuse me, I need to go try to get the wrongly-accused OJ Simpson freed from jail.

About Tiger Rowan (34 Articles)
Tiger is a Steelers contributor to The Point of Pittsburgh
Contact: Twitter

6 Comments on Steelers Win After Being Touched By A Burfict Angel

  1. Jamie Barnhart // January 12, 2016 at 4:57 AM //

    I’m surprised it took the league so long to finally suspend him. Did you also notice that Ramon Foster got a personal foul after Burfict intentionally stepped on his foot? VB is an embarrassment to the entire league. A little poetic justice that he cost his team the game. I pray Ben and Brown will be good to go Sunday. It would suck for VB to get any satisfaction from his assaults.

    • Tiger Rowan // January 12, 2016 at 7:54 AM //

      On that particular play, Foster got flagged for the push. Burfict’s foot stomp was ignored, although BengalGirl5150 told me that Burfict is a podiatrist.

      Adding salt into that 15-yard wound, the penalty came after a 17-yard gain.

      Essentially, that ticky-tack foul cost the Steelers 32 yards… and basically turned a FG (possible TD) into a punt.

      • Jamie Barnhart // January 12, 2016 at 12:03 PM //

        Burfict is a podiatrist. That’s hilarious! You should tell her that it’s cool to date female Bengals fans because they aren’t expecting a ring in their future.
        I don’t think you are correct about that play, though. First of all, because it came after the play, it does not affect the result of the play. The play stands on its own, and then the 15 yards is marched off independently. That play actually gained no yards, but the penalty did end up costing us a first down, and we had to settle for a 39 yard FG.
        If you can get to a TV with NFL network, they’re reshowing the whole game right now, and a condensed version from 9-10pm.

        • Tiger Rowan // January 12, 2016 at 2:29 PM //

          No rings… no trophies… just participation medals. LOLOL

          It may not have been that play. But, there was a play where a Steelers O-lineman got called for a personal foul, which negated a 17-yard gain… totaling a 32-yard change in field position. I rememebr it, because I felt that the first down (17-yard gain) should have stood and then brought backwards 15 yards. It was an odd play… in an odd game.

          I watched the final 1:50 of the game. It was a classic!!!

          • Jamie Barnhart // January 12, 2016 at 5:09 PM //

            Ok, so I found the play you were thinking of. It WAS a Foster penalty (illegal formation) that cost us a 17 yard gain, and tacked on 5 more lossed for the penalty. But the 15 yard penalty was the next play (called on Cincinnati), and yielded a total of 37 yards gained. We gained nothing on the next 3 downs, and kicked a 30 yard FG.

            I couldn’t remember the game completely straight, either! Of course, I know I wasn’t completely straight. That was a definite drinking game, and probably the most exciting and emotional I can remember in the last 5 years!

  2. Tiger Rowan // January 12, 2016 at 6:43 PM //

    Great job in tracking that down.

    There was “The Ice Bowl”, “The Fumble”, and “The Drive.” Now, we have “The Drinking Game”.

    Every time a Bengal does something outlandish: drink. Everyone gets plastered by halftime. LOLOL

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